Reflection

I looked back over what I wrote yesterday and I see I made a lot of statements but not a lot of substance. That's a fault I have, if in fact it is a fault. Maybe it is the way I am.

I would want to use this forum as a place to exercise need to explore thought and to explore the recording of it.
I am not a person who thinks beyond the immediate. I am 'famous 'for my lack of depth. At least I have been told a lot that I don't have any. This came as quite a shock as I had thought of myself as a person who DID have some depth.
I tend to see problems as immediate and act accordingly. I react in a knee-jerk way a lot. I know this is not such a good trait but then again not wishing to find excuses I think it is a boy type thing to be doing.

A lot is said about change and that we need to grow to become more complete people. What if that change is not much more than theory. What if in our heads we acknowledge the need for change but can't find it within ourselves to carry it out. Does that say we are inadequate. Does mean we are lesser human beings. What if we see the change but choose not to carry it out.
Yes this could be case so long as you recognise the consequences of that action.

I have for a long time grappled with this dilemma. I have for so long believed I was inadequate and not a viable person. As a result the consequences for me are my withdrawal from society, my reluctance to go out socially, my general a avoidance of people and my fear I finding myself in a situation where I am open to criticism.

When you get down it doesn't take a lot for anyone to puncture you with a criticism.

We live in a world where depression is spoken about in such general terms that most people want to believe it happened to everyone else and that all anyone needs is a good slap up the chops and told to get on with it.

It's a real and present danger. Talking about it helps. This will help. Men need to talk about it, it just takes them a long time to get around to doing it. We need to create supportive environments where men can meet and discuss and feel safe.

I attended a conference a few weeks ago during which time was given for men to meet and discuss men type issues. We had about 90 minutes during which time most men had something to say and just when you sensed the time was right for some meaningful exchanges, time ran out. There was no follow up. I felt cheated, not only myself but for the men in the room whom I sensed had something they wanted to get off their chests. What happens to those blokes, who came along maybe nervously but who went away knowing there were men like them in the world and having achieved not a lot else.

It is hard being a man. So much is expected that is confronting and unrealistic. There are not always the opportunities for men to be men. They are roles assigned to them by a ruthless society which fears its own discovery that it all might not be true. They may not be all beer swilling, bad mouthed, yobbos.

I grew up never understanding the image of the man at a party who felt compelled to spend his entire time with his mates with a can of beer in his hand. It was as if he would be caught naked without one there.

I am beginning to rave. I do rabbit on darl!

As time goes on I want to become more articulate and more organised in what I say. But hey, I am only a learner.

My First ET

I took some days thinking about what I wanted to say in this space. Being new to blogging it is a bit of a challenge to set out on a path that is new. You want to think that what you say may be of some significance.

It seems to me that one purpose of this would be to use it to talk about myself and I don't mean the sort of stuff that is'' oh look at me I am the best''. Rather I see it as a site to say what I might be feeling, how I am emotionally, what experiences I have had on any one day and try and reflect upon what has happened and more importantly who I am.

There will be times , a bit like now where it will all come out in a garbled mess. But that I think is within the bounds of the writer in a blog to work at getting it out, writing it down, playing with the words and experimenting with how best to say what is on your mind.

For those who might read this I think some background might be in order. After all it is better to know who the writer is than to speculate as to whether or not he is an axe murderer or some hopeless emotionally scared and socially crippled individual.

I am a man. I am in my 50's. I have been married and divorced for 8 years. I have 6 children.I work in a school. I love my job. I never tire of finding new and exciting things to do. In some ways it is sad that my working life has dominated my '' real '' life.

I say this as I have discovered in recent times my inability to conduct a meaningful relationship with another woman. I have been in a new relationship with a new partner for 5 years and recently it became clear that it was not working out for either of us. I think some of my ET's will be about the processes of relationship and how I now feel. My great fear is that I may have stymied my chances of ever getting back into a relationship. But I can say more about this at a later date.

I would also like to use this space to discuss philosophy. My version of it.

I think men's issues are important and there should be more space and time given to discuss these. What a man feels is important, that a man gets to say what he feels, in some way that he feels safe about is crucial to him being a man. Not all men get the opportunity, many men refuse to acknowledge that there are any issues to address and most men are too afraid to say what hurts them. We live in a society that has so brain washed men in believing and behaving in a particular way that they are never game to venture away from the safety of ignorance and denial.

I think the nature of religion in the world is important. I fear for future generations who are and who will be made brain dead by the severe right wing views of religion being sprouted around the world. What saddens we most is that so called christian churches want to tell us what to do in such ways that they cling to spurious biblical references in order to do so. I am not an overly religious person but I believe I am spiritual being more than a religious being.

So this seems a good staring point. I can diverge if I want. I can labour a point if I want.
Though i may rant and rave, I do want to look back a know I did have something to say.