Post Christmas

It is some weeks since I last wrote. Life has happened. Much has been said and much is changed.

Ten days ago I had an encounter with my ex. She had wanted to "catch up'
as she tells people , with me for some time. I kept avoiding it.
Finally I was bailed up for an hour an a half.
The outcome left me feeling I was the cause of cancer, third world debt and climate change.

I could written here after the event but I was so angry and hurt I know I would have been far more incoherent than I am now.

I have used my time to reflect and to discuss with family and friends what happened. They have helped me to put all the shit that happened into perspective.

I know I do not handle it well. Like most people I do not like my past being racked up in front of me. It took me several minutes to realise that she was talking for the most part about events that occurred ten and more years ago.

I have a son, my youngest, who is developmentally delayed. He is a lovely boy who 20 yrs old. He lives with his mother and I fear for him a lot.

His mother attacked me for the role I take with him. I take him places. I take him out.
His mother wants him to learn to drive and for me to teach him. He has no co ordination. It is a hair raising time to be beside him in a car. I do not feel I have the where with all to carry out a prolonged period of teaching him to drive. I am willing to pay someone else to do it.

I am sick of the past being the only conversation I can have with her. usually its about all the wrongs I have done. Yes I have done wrongs but I have also done good.

My family and my friends all have a way of dealing with her and urge me constantly to tell her to fuck off. It always sounds so easy. But I fear if I do she will take it out on my son. So I take it to protect him. I hate myself for doing so but I do it.

My ex has no relationship with two of my children. They don't call her, they return her letters and gifts.

She has always been a person who wanted everything her way and took no responsibility for anything and all the credit when something went well.

I told her many years ago that the way she treated her children would leave her a lonely old woman as her children would want nothing to do with her. How true it is all becoming.

Your children will never do all things you think they should, but nevertheless you have to hang in there with them thru the thick and the thin. Mine are no different. But they are each wonderful individuals. I have maintained contact with them and have helped them out a lot over the years, tried to be there for them, have failed them and rescued them, supported them and lent them a shoulder.

I am a man, a human with failings, but I am fast believing I have much more positive happening in my life than negative. I know it is inner strength that will help me in all I set out to do. It is that strength that enables you to pick yourself up off the floor.

My Christmas was great. My kids and I celebrated Christmas on Monday PM and we had a good time, it was good to be together.
On Christmas day I spent the morning with my ex partner, we have maintained a strong friendship, and we were both alone Christmas morning. So a fry up later I went home, had a nap and then went to my sisters with my dad, my brother and my own kids, nieces and nephews. We had a good time. Again it was wonderful to be together.

Today was Boxing Day. No shops open round here, I took my son home then spent the day watching the Cricket...what more can a man ask for on Boxing Day.
Now I shall rest.

Thursday 7th Part 2

I forget that this site is not in tune with Australian time, so my last posting was also this evening Thursday.

I have been thinking about relationship. I have been asked a few times whether or not I am interested in going into another relationship.

I was married for 23 years and this ended in 1999. In 2002 I entered into a new relationship and this ended in April this year.
What have I learnt. For one thing I am pretty crap at this relationship thing. Nowadays the thought of such a thing scares me silly.

My marriage was over long before I was brave enough to call it a day. My last relationship was also over long before I again acted and did the honourable thing. I could have fallen on my sword but instead I left.

My counsellor I visited several times after both were over suggested this last time that if I ever consider another relationship I consult with him as my first two choices have been very ordinary.

I agree with him. I picked women whom I thought were ok. You always do. You go into these things with your eyes wide full of romantic expectation. And why not? We crave the company and love of a partner. Some men can't live without a woman in their lives. I thought that if they wanted stuff you gave it too them but you didn't want them intruding too much on the things you wanted to do. How wrong I was.
I have always struggled with the notion of balance in a relationship. Admittedly in my marriage I didn't know nor did I ever think about such things as I was always struggling to survive.
When I got married there were no such things as marriage preparation, or people you went to to talk about the perceived rigours of marriage. You entered blindly into it with the only samples you had to guide you were those provided to you by your parents. And not wishing to bag my parents in any way they didn't do a lot to prepare you for marriage. The model they showed you was based on the model their parents showed them. No wonder so many men face the prospect of marriage in such a fearful way.

So stumbled into it, with a women who was also stumbling into it with her own views based on those of her parents. The fact that both of us had screwed up lives doesn't enter into the mix until it was all too late. By that stage the glint has been erased from your eye to be replaced by a look puzzled amazement that you could be so stupid to have ever entered into a disastrous relationship like you found yourself in. You feel locked in, children arrive and you have this sense that there is nowhere to go, and you can't and wont go back home a admit failure. So you stay, for the good of the children. For the good of the family name. Never for your own good. You make the best of it. Then one day a child says to you dad why do you put up with this? And you know then that others know, there can be no more hiding, time has run out. You make a stand.

Its the moment that you are forced to make a stand that hurts you. For then you realise that the hiding is over. It's time to open the front door and step out.

In both my long term relationships that has taken far longer than it should have. I put off and put off until I could no more.
In doing so, in stepping away, a weight is lifted off your shoulders.

In recent times I have become much more aware of the impact I have had on my partner. I have been aware of her pain. I am more savvy about the role I have played and that I am not always the victim, but far too often the perpetrator. Being a passive person has had detrimental consequences upon those around me. This is something I will reflect on at a later date.

That is all for now. I like this, though I know I ramble, so what, its really only for me. But if I keep at it I will get better. Like most things in life.

Well today is another day and it has been busy as every day seems to be at this time of year. People think being the end of the school year that everything winds down. Far from it. It seems to wind up if anything. New programs to write in what might be said to be stating the bleeding obvious. But from a positive note I think having to say in words that you know what you Are doing from a purely academic point of view should make you all the better as a teacher. Tomorrow I have several hours put aside to put down a new program for teaching Year 9 Romeo and Juliet Year 9 !4 - 15 year olds.

I like the planning aspect of the task, I just dislike the tediousness of having to put it all down in some logical sense. We know what we are doing, we have done it for years, so why now go to all this fuss to record it all in academic educational jargon. Any way its all got to happen tomorrow!!

I met a man today who had a daughter in my school this year. This man was telling me his wife had left him one year ago today. In that time he has been through his own private hell and is beginning to come out the other side. He is still wracked by questions he doesn't know answers to and he still can't understand what happened. But to his credit he is moving on.

He has entered another relationship and is feeling good about it. He has some plans for his future and is moving carefully with all he does.

I haven't decided to tell you his life story but rather to pose the question of why people you know only as acquaintances can tell you all this in a supermarket. I think he finds me an ally in his pain. And I am. Its a bit of been there done that. And I do like to listen, especially when I sense his need to talk.

This is the second time this week this has happened to me. Earlier in thew week had a discussion with a lovely woman who came to talk with me about peer mediation. It wasn't long before I found myself listening to her tell me about a case she had been involved in. I was fascinated but realised this lady needed to talk about what was happening to her.

Am i to be flattered by this? I think it is a compliment that these people who know me only scantly can talk with me in this way. I don't mind. But I do feel somewhat a fraud when I think of the vast number of insecurities i have and the failures that I have perpetrated in my life.

But the sinners are maybe the best ones to deal with this.

The Third day

It is late here. I am home from working at my local theatre. I am directing a short ten minute piece for the local Rep Theatre. It is a week to go before performance and whilst I like the actors I have they are a limited bunch of people acting wise.
But then thats the point of local companies. Everyone gets a go. And they are making a fair fist of the piece. Like any performance you don't get who you want and you have to work generously with the ones you do.

I find it a little frustrating, I want the work to be good, to somehow stretch my performers abilities but for most of the girls this is a first time on stage for them. I think I may be a little harsh.

I need to relax and enjoy the experience rather than be threatened by it.

I do enjoy the time I spend there, though I have come in late and my idea of running a theatre group and their's is very different. They like to sit about for ages before beginning. I want to go there and then get out, do the rehearsal and then go home. I may have much to learn about all this. I guess it has something to do with me not being much of a people person.

People people are much happier around other people. They like people. They don't see them as a threat. I think thats the problem with me now. All people are threats. I know this is not good but at present its the way it is.
I worry that i may not get out of this state. That I have been so scarred that its going to be a default setting for me. It is easier to avoid than to engage.
I have two end of year work functions I can go to. One is a faculty one, the other a whole staff one. I am committed to the faculty one because I said I would go but the staff one I will avoid because I can easily think of plenty of excuses not to go.

So there. I said it. I made a decision./ Maybe I should write here more often if this is how I can make a decision.
Decisions are tough. To make one you are committing yourself to a course of action. You are stating a position and I don't like to do that so often as I feel I may have to back down and when I back down I don't feel so good about myself. It is a vicious circle.

I am wanting to work through a lot of stuff but as I said in my first entry I do ramble and this one is no different. But I do fell better having started to say stuff.

Reflection

I looked back over what I wrote yesterday and I see I made a lot of statements but not a lot of substance. That's a fault I have, if in fact it is a fault. Maybe it is the way I am.

I would want to use this forum as a place to exercise need to explore thought and to explore the recording of it.
I am not a person who thinks beyond the immediate. I am 'famous 'for my lack of depth. At least I have been told a lot that I don't have any. This came as quite a shock as I had thought of myself as a person who DID have some depth.
I tend to see problems as immediate and act accordingly. I react in a knee-jerk way a lot. I know this is not such a good trait but then again not wishing to find excuses I think it is a boy type thing to be doing.

A lot is said about change and that we need to grow to become more complete people. What if that change is not much more than theory. What if in our heads we acknowledge the need for change but can't find it within ourselves to carry it out. Does that say we are inadequate. Does mean we are lesser human beings. What if we see the change but choose not to carry it out.
Yes this could be case so long as you recognise the consequences of that action.

I have for a long time grappled with this dilemma. I have for so long believed I was inadequate and not a viable person. As a result the consequences for me are my withdrawal from society, my reluctance to go out socially, my general a avoidance of people and my fear I finding myself in a situation where I am open to criticism.

When you get down it doesn't take a lot for anyone to puncture you with a criticism.

We live in a world where depression is spoken about in such general terms that most people want to believe it happened to everyone else and that all anyone needs is a good slap up the chops and told to get on with it.

It's a real and present danger. Talking about it helps. This will help. Men need to talk about it, it just takes them a long time to get around to doing it. We need to create supportive environments where men can meet and discuss and feel safe.

I attended a conference a few weeks ago during which time was given for men to meet and discuss men type issues. We had about 90 minutes during which time most men had something to say and just when you sensed the time was right for some meaningful exchanges, time ran out. There was no follow up. I felt cheated, not only myself but for the men in the room whom I sensed had something they wanted to get off their chests. What happens to those blokes, who came along maybe nervously but who went away knowing there were men like them in the world and having achieved not a lot else.

It is hard being a man. So much is expected that is confronting and unrealistic. There are not always the opportunities for men to be men. They are roles assigned to them by a ruthless society which fears its own discovery that it all might not be true. They may not be all beer swilling, bad mouthed, yobbos.

I grew up never understanding the image of the man at a party who felt compelled to spend his entire time with his mates with a can of beer in his hand. It was as if he would be caught naked without one there.

I am beginning to rave. I do rabbit on darl!

As time goes on I want to become more articulate and more organised in what I say. But hey, I am only a learner.

My First ET

I took some days thinking about what I wanted to say in this space. Being new to blogging it is a bit of a challenge to set out on a path that is new. You want to think that what you say may be of some significance.

It seems to me that one purpose of this would be to use it to talk about myself and I don't mean the sort of stuff that is'' oh look at me I am the best''. Rather I see it as a site to say what I might be feeling, how I am emotionally, what experiences I have had on any one day and try and reflect upon what has happened and more importantly who I am.

There will be times , a bit like now where it will all come out in a garbled mess. But that I think is within the bounds of the writer in a blog to work at getting it out, writing it down, playing with the words and experimenting with how best to say what is on your mind.

For those who might read this I think some background might be in order. After all it is better to know who the writer is than to speculate as to whether or not he is an axe murderer or some hopeless emotionally scared and socially crippled individual.

I am a man. I am in my 50's. I have been married and divorced for 8 years. I have 6 children.I work in a school. I love my job. I never tire of finding new and exciting things to do. In some ways it is sad that my working life has dominated my '' real '' life.

I say this as I have discovered in recent times my inability to conduct a meaningful relationship with another woman. I have been in a new relationship with a new partner for 5 years and recently it became clear that it was not working out for either of us. I think some of my ET's will be about the processes of relationship and how I now feel. My great fear is that I may have stymied my chances of ever getting back into a relationship. But I can say more about this at a later date.

I would also like to use this space to discuss philosophy. My version of it.

I think men's issues are important and there should be more space and time given to discuss these. What a man feels is important, that a man gets to say what he feels, in some way that he feels safe about is crucial to him being a man. Not all men get the opportunity, many men refuse to acknowledge that there are any issues to address and most men are too afraid to say what hurts them. We live in a society that has so brain washed men in believing and behaving in a particular way that they are never game to venture away from the safety of ignorance and denial.

I think the nature of religion in the world is important. I fear for future generations who are and who will be made brain dead by the severe right wing views of religion being sprouted around the world. What saddens we most is that so called christian churches want to tell us what to do in such ways that they cling to spurious biblical references in order to do so. I am not an overly religious person but I believe I am spiritual being more than a religious being.

So this seems a good staring point. I can diverge if I want. I can labour a point if I want.
Though i may rant and rave, I do want to look back a know I did have something to say.