Thursday 7th Part 2

I forget that this site is not in tune with Australian time, so my last posting was also this evening Thursday.

I have been thinking about relationship. I have been asked a few times whether or not I am interested in going into another relationship.

I was married for 23 years and this ended in 1999. In 2002 I entered into a new relationship and this ended in April this year.
What have I learnt. For one thing I am pretty crap at this relationship thing. Nowadays the thought of such a thing scares me silly.

My marriage was over long before I was brave enough to call it a day. My last relationship was also over long before I again acted and did the honourable thing. I could have fallen on my sword but instead I left.

My counsellor I visited several times after both were over suggested this last time that if I ever consider another relationship I consult with him as my first two choices have been very ordinary.

I agree with him. I picked women whom I thought were ok. You always do. You go into these things with your eyes wide full of romantic expectation. And why not? We crave the company and love of a partner. Some men can't live without a woman in their lives. I thought that if they wanted stuff you gave it too them but you didn't want them intruding too much on the things you wanted to do. How wrong I was.
I have always struggled with the notion of balance in a relationship. Admittedly in my marriage I didn't know nor did I ever think about such things as I was always struggling to survive.
When I got married there were no such things as marriage preparation, or people you went to to talk about the perceived rigours of marriage. You entered blindly into it with the only samples you had to guide you were those provided to you by your parents. And not wishing to bag my parents in any way they didn't do a lot to prepare you for marriage. The model they showed you was based on the model their parents showed them. No wonder so many men face the prospect of marriage in such a fearful way.

So stumbled into it, with a women who was also stumbling into it with her own views based on those of her parents. The fact that both of us had screwed up lives doesn't enter into the mix until it was all too late. By that stage the glint has been erased from your eye to be replaced by a look puzzled amazement that you could be so stupid to have ever entered into a disastrous relationship like you found yourself in. You feel locked in, children arrive and you have this sense that there is nowhere to go, and you can't and wont go back home a admit failure. So you stay, for the good of the children. For the good of the family name. Never for your own good. You make the best of it. Then one day a child says to you dad why do you put up with this? And you know then that others know, there can be no more hiding, time has run out. You make a stand.

Its the moment that you are forced to make a stand that hurts you. For then you realise that the hiding is over. It's time to open the front door and step out.

In both my long term relationships that has taken far longer than it should have. I put off and put off until I could no more.
In doing so, in stepping away, a weight is lifted off your shoulders.

In recent times I have become much more aware of the impact I have had on my partner. I have been aware of her pain. I am more savvy about the role I have played and that I am not always the victim, but far too often the perpetrator. Being a passive person has had detrimental consequences upon those around me. This is something I will reflect on at a later date.

That is all for now. I like this, though I know I ramble, so what, its really only for me. But if I keep at it I will get better. Like most things in life.