Post Christmas

It is some weeks since I last wrote. Life has happened. Much has been said and much is changed.

Ten days ago I had an encounter with my ex. She had wanted to "catch up'
as she tells people , with me for some time. I kept avoiding it.
Finally I was bailed up for an hour an a half.
The outcome left me feeling I was the cause of cancer, third world debt and climate change.

I could written here after the event but I was so angry and hurt I know I would have been far more incoherent than I am now.

I have used my time to reflect and to discuss with family and friends what happened. They have helped me to put all the shit that happened into perspective.

I know I do not handle it well. Like most people I do not like my past being racked up in front of me. It took me several minutes to realise that she was talking for the most part about events that occurred ten and more years ago.

I have a son, my youngest, who is developmentally delayed. He is a lovely boy who 20 yrs old. He lives with his mother and I fear for him a lot.

His mother attacked me for the role I take with him. I take him places. I take him out.
His mother wants him to learn to drive and for me to teach him. He has no co ordination. It is a hair raising time to be beside him in a car. I do not feel I have the where with all to carry out a prolonged period of teaching him to drive. I am willing to pay someone else to do it.

I am sick of the past being the only conversation I can have with her. usually its about all the wrongs I have done. Yes I have done wrongs but I have also done good.

My family and my friends all have a way of dealing with her and urge me constantly to tell her to fuck off. It always sounds so easy. But I fear if I do she will take it out on my son. So I take it to protect him. I hate myself for doing so but I do it.

My ex has no relationship with two of my children. They don't call her, they return her letters and gifts.

She has always been a person who wanted everything her way and took no responsibility for anything and all the credit when something went well.

I told her many years ago that the way she treated her children would leave her a lonely old woman as her children would want nothing to do with her. How true it is all becoming.

Your children will never do all things you think they should, but nevertheless you have to hang in there with them thru the thick and the thin. Mine are no different. But they are each wonderful individuals. I have maintained contact with them and have helped them out a lot over the years, tried to be there for them, have failed them and rescued them, supported them and lent them a shoulder.

I am a man, a human with failings, but I am fast believing I have much more positive happening in my life than negative. I know it is inner strength that will help me in all I set out to do. It is that strength that enables you to pick yourself up off the floor.

My Christmas was great. My kids and I celebrated Christmas on Monday PM and we had a good time, it was good to be together.
On Christmas day I spent the morning with my ex partner, we have maintained a strong friendship, and we were both alone Christmas morning. So a fry up later I went home, had a nap and then went to my sisters with my dad, my brother and my own kids, nieces and nephews. We had a good time. Again it was wonderful to be together.

Today was Boxing Day. No shops open round here, I took my son home then spent the day watching the Cricket...what more can a man ask for on Boxing Day.
Now I shall rest.